BREAKDOWN TO BREAKTHROUGH
I’m on the Gold Coast.
My first solo mama retreat.
I needed this.
I craved some solitude.
New lansdcape and fresh perspective.
The ocean purrs behind me.
I’m feeling activated and inspired.
Settling into the space of gratitude and stillness.
I can feel some heavy debris and karma clutter leave me as I bask in the sunshine.
Tuesday night I broke down.
2hrs of deep guttral crying.
Overwhelmed.
I don’t know what the trigger was… I don’t really need to know anymore because I knew it was coming.
I felt like a broken woman.
Buckled.
Scared.
Uncertain.
Heavy and tired…
So fucking tired of the emotional labour of being a mother.
A pregnant mother.
A working mother.
A patient lover
An isolated friend.
A lost woman… finding and redefining herself.
Letting go of the lies
And piecing together the miracle of BEING.
My tears ruptured from my womb… as my baby grows… they are pushing out all of the stuff thats been residing in my womspace.
To be felt
To be seen
Acknowledged
Accepted and healed.
I’ve been distracting myself from feeling my depths because I knew there was great discomfort in the revealing.
But you can only hide for so long before Spirit has a way… your body has a way of calling you back home
Into presence.
I knew the inwetween space of eclipse season coupled with the cancerian waters would bring the purge.
I started letting go of all the doing to prepare
But it still hit me.
HARD.
That reality when you are face to face with your own bullshit and you have to swallow it…
That harsh truth that you’re a fool.
That you’ve been lying to yourself
Ingesting the bullshit.
Knowing all the while it’s making your mind and body sick.
So the purge comes in waves.
Sometimes in trickles.
Sometimes as a tsunami
Consuming you and drowning you.
For a moment you feel hopeless
Afraid.
Afraid of yourself and your capabilities to be your own hero.
Until you realise that there is not triumphant action needed and that you can actually be a humble gardner.
Tending to your own plot.
With presence and passion
to compost your shit…
Chop and drop.
extract the nutrients of your own wisdom…
Fertilise your own soul soil.
And then you can breathe deeply again.
Trusting the process.
Because you are growing.
Breakdown to breakthrough.
This has been my experience this last… well I could say week but its really been a lifetime to cultivate every intertwined moment to this point in time.
You know I wrote about surrendering to trust i the process as I was caught by the fact I hadn’t felt my womb fruit yet… it was odd for me.
Well it was after this catharsis… still raw and integrating that I packed my bags to fly south.
Thursday night I felt the gentle motions of my baby dancing in my womb.
Deep breaths of trust and relief.
2 days of deeply immersive activations and training followed as I journeyed deeper into my heart and service through doTERRA leadership conference.
Friday night I did something that made me steo completely out of my comfort zone.
I had all the excuses to not go.
Exhausted
Pregnant
Sore feet
Pounding, muddled head.
90% of me was being swayed by this loud voice filling me with ALL the excuses.
When I gave myself a moment to tune into my soul for the decision that was aligned with my growth…
I got dressed…
Put on my sparkly bra
Sparkly mini tutu skirt
Makeup (soooo not my style)
And teased my hair
Golden earings, rings and Ankh necklace
And joined the festivities of the 80’s event… punk madonna style.
I went because I’m an ambivert (introverted extrovert)
Socially awkward in large groups…
Hate shallow, small talk… like it drives me fucking nuts.
So my safety default is to smile…stick to the back and people watch, whilst I silently amuse myself watching the dynamics of human behaviour play out.
I dragged my pregnant ass there because I KNEW I would feel SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE.
That was the WHOLE PURPOSE!
like for real… I rocked up on my own and like usual… hung around the edge texting my mum like a nigel no-friends
Except… that was a lie
Everyone there was/is super friendly.
I was blocking myself from experiencing connection.
I had to allow myself to give of myself and receive the beauty of others.
And I did.
A breakthrough
And that leads to today…
I woke up before dawn…
Snuggled in bed at my Airbnb… I listened to the birds wake and the hum of traffic begin.
I packed all my stuff and walked to the beach with absolutely no expectation or plan for the day… other to simply be
And to give myself a break.
A pause
To decompress
And expand
To remember my luminous light
And share my radiance
My heart.
And you know what happened…
After months of muddled mind and struggle to string words together to eloquently Express my intent of something that has been called of me…
Today, in the span of 1hr, I mapped out something that sets my soul alight…
The Wise Wombman Collective.
Something that is now SO CRYSTALLINE in my vision and deeply anchored in my purpose work.
It feeeeeeels so good to offer and hold such sacred space for women to journey together, to consciously weave depth and meaning into the fabric of life
I will be announcing all the details when I get home.
P.S my apprentice trainings are almost complete too!
